It sounds like somebody strangling a cat!
It must be Grandpa!
Wakey wakey, eggs and bakey!
I cannot believe we ate the same food.
Believe it.
Grandma,
would you show me where the shower is?
Shower?
Why, sure honey.
Would you like a massage and a fruity drink too?
How about a manicure and a mud facial while you lay by the pool eating crab cakes?
I can do without the sarcasm.
Chow time's over, campers.
Time for our nature walk to Badbeard Lake.
Why do they call it Badbeard Lake?
Well, it's a body of fresh water surrounded by land-
No, the Badbeard part.
Oh, right.
It was named after Badbeard,
the most ruthless freshwater pirate ever to plunder a lakeside community.
Cool!
Wow!
And in the middle of Badbeard Lake lies Spleen Island, where legend has it Badbeard buried his bountiful booty.
Heh!
Booty?
You know, treasure.
Treasure?
Aye, mateys-
Oh, just a sec.
Arrrgh!
Why are you talking like a pirate, Grandpa?
Arrrgh!
I'm trying to tell the story of Badbeard the Pirate.
There's a song about it.
Say, does anyone have a concertina?
Buford?
Me?
Yes.
♪ Arg! Arg! Arg! Arg! ♪
♪ This is the ballad of Badbeard ♪
♪ Arg! Arg! Arg! Arg! ♪
♪ This is the ballad of Badbeard ♪
That's it?
Well, I didn't say it was much of a song.
So, meet me at the trail head in 5 minutes.
Aye, aye, Captain Grandpa!
That's the spirit!
Oh, dear.
I seem to be missing my underpants.
Now you see kids,
wherever you go, the forest is teeming with life
for us to step on.
Remember,
always stick to the trail so you won't get lost.
And whatever you do,
never touch the orange moss that grows on the right side of a Jum-Jum tree.
Boring.
I'm calling Stacy.
Left is right.
Right is wrong.
I can't get any reception up here.
So stay clear of the moss.
The slightest touch,
and the orange moss will absorb through the skin, causing wild hallucinations.
Huh?
Oh no!
Was that the right side or the wrong side?
No, wait.
The left side was the right side.
Moss!
Orange!
Aah!
Thar she blows mateys.
Aah!
Badbeard Lake.
Ooh!
And thar be Spleen Island.
The bones of them that hunted the treasure all be lyin' below in Davy Jones's locker.
Cool!
Let's go!
♪ Arg! Arg! Arg! Arg! ♪
♪ This is the ballad of Badbeard! ♪
♪ Arg! Arg! Arg! Arg! ♪
Candace?
Where's Candace?
♪ This is the ballad of Badbeard! ♪
Good morning, Agent P.
And thank you for your help, Agent E.
Sorry to alarm you, Agent P, but we're remodeling our regular base here.
Actually, my wife's doing it Mexican-country style.
Distressed wood,
wrought iron.
It should all be very-
Wait! Woah!
Hey! Hey, Agent E!
Back off!
Heh.
Anyway,
Agent E spotted Dr. Doofenshmirtz on Spleen Island.
He's moving boxes and equipment into what's known as
the haunted cave of the old sea hag.
Honestly, I'm not making this stuff up.
But anyway, we believe he's creating a new hideout there,
and we want you to foil his plans.
Good luck, Agent P.
No way.
This is so weird.
I see Perry with an eagle, and their both dressed up like secret agents and they're talking to man inside an egg.
That is so messed up.
It must be the moss.
Hey, wait a minute.
How did I get way up here?
Whoa!
Aah!
Now Perry has a wetski?
How strange can this get?
Ooh.
It gets much stranger, Kevin.
Aah!
En garde, you scurvy dog!
Ha!
I don't even know what scurvy is!
Hey!
I know what we should do today!
Let's be real pirates, and go find Badbeard's treasure.
Sure.
Knock yourselves out.
I was just about your age when I first heard about Badbeard's treasure.
I'd come up here every summer and search for it.
But I felt drawn by the excitement and adventure.
Of course, then I discovered girls and the rest is a blur.
I never found the treasure,
but I did find a treasure map.
Treasure map?
Hey!
Woah...
But be warned, mateys.
They say Badbeard's treasure comes with a curse!
A curse?
Aye!
Them who disturb the treasure of Badbeard shall be cursed with bad beards
for the rest of their days.
You mean we'll be stuck with a big ugly beard on our face for the rest of our lives?
That's gnarly.
Well, while you kids search for treasure,
I better go search for Grandma.
Wish there was a map for that.
Okay, troops.
We set sail from Point Plots,
sail through the Stones of Gall, and into the Cove of Incontinence,
and then continue on foot into the Dark Tunnel of Doom.
Well, that sounds delightful.
And "X" marks the spot.
Easy-peasy.
First thing we gotta do is, we make Grandpa's secondhand dingy into a first-rate pirate ship.
Ferb,
any ideas?
Whoa.
Impressive.
Is that the cable company?
So, Mr. Cable Man, you don't carry the Evil Science Channel? What's up with—
Perry the Platypus?
Oh, give me a break!
I-I'm moving, legally.
I bought this place.
And cheap too.
It's supposed to be haunted by a terrifying old sea hag.
Look,
Perry the Platypus.
Just because I'm evil doesn't mean everything I do is evil.
Fine!
Y-You want evil, Perry the Platypus?
I'll give you evil!
(Song: The Ballad of Badbeard)
Avast, me 'arties!
♪ We're sailing for the Island of Spleen to search for the treasure of Badbeard ♪
♪ I'm feeling sick ♪
♪ You're looking green ♪
♪ We search for the treasure of Badbeard ♪
♪ We'll plunder and pillage ♪
♪ And do some math ♪
♪ And all refuse to take a bath ♪
♪ We seek adventure and romance ♪
♪ I'm running out of underpants ♪
♪ There's ghosts who haunt the cave and worse ♪
♪ It's guarded by a pirate's curse ♪
♪ Why do my nostrils whisper to me? ♪
♪ Arg! Arg! Arg! Arg! ♪
♪ This is the ballad of Badbeard ♪
♪ Arg! Arg! Arg! Arg! ♪
♪ This is the ballad of Badbeard ♪
This is it.
The Tunnel of Doom.
Just like on the map.
Are you sure we're going the right way?
Sure I'm sure.
We just follow Ferb.
He's got the map.
Uh oh.
Oh well.
I'm sure it's pretty straight forward from here.
Heh heh.
It doesn't look very safe.
I think you better test it.
No problem.
It'll hold us.
No, wait!
Not all at once!
Run for it!
Oh my gosh!
Buford,
what are you doing?
Look! I found these nifty hand puppets!
Well stop fooling around and let's go.
Oh, all right.
This place is creeping me out.
If I had any underpants left, I am sure they would have been soiled.
Phineas,
we're not getting lost, are we?
Yeah, Dinner Bell.
What if there is no treasure?
Perhaps the real treasure is true friendship and the spirit of adventure.
Nah.
There it is over there.
"X" marks the spot.
Look.
There's the chest.
But who...
would dare open it?
I'll open it.
But Phineas,
what about the curse?
Bad beards forever, dude.
And you don't even have a chin.
That's a chance I'll have to take.
Shiver me timbers!
The curse is true!
We will have bad beards forever!
Oh, no!
It's full of bad fake beards.
Now, Perry the Platypus,
why don't you say hello to my new pet crocodiles?
Susan and Susan.
I named them after each other.
Now, prepare to be delicious!
The sea hag!
The pharmacist!
Hey Perry,
I'm gonna get a snack from the vending machine. You want something?
Suit yourself.
I'm gonna have me some beef jerky!
Island Self Destruct Sequence activated.
Wait, my beef jerky!
Aah!
Someone always finds my self-destruct button!
Oh.
Curse you, Perry the Platypus.
Blah blah blah.
These are the best bad beards ever!
Quick!
Grab as many beards as you can carry and let's get out of here!
Cast off.
Put your backs into it, mateys.
Wee!
Hey.
By the way,
where's Per-
Oh, never mind.
Hey, Perry.
What happened to your cute little secret agent hat?
Well Ferb, me ol' matey,
our first time out as pirates, and we come home with a bounty of beards.
And perhaps the greatest pirate story ever told.
Wow, that's the greatest pirate story ever told!
Oh.
How are you feeling, honey?
Oh, better.
Thanks, Grandma.
Can you believe I actually thought Perry was a secret agent?
Well,
I learned my lesson.
Stay away from the orange moss.
The orange moss?
Is that what your Grandpa said?
Oh, he always gets that wrong.
It's the blue moss you gotta watch out for.
W-what?
I guess it was all in your head.
Well, that's the power of suggestion for ya.
You get some rest now, sweetie.
The blue moss.
What?
Ohh.
Love the beard, Kevin.
Avast, me 'arties!
♪ We're sailing for the Island of Spleen to search for the treasure of Badbeard ♪
♪ I'm feeling sick ♪
♪ You're looking green ♪
♪ We search for the treasure of Badbeard ♪
♪ We'll plunder and pillage ♪
♪ And do some math ♪
♪ And all refuse to take a bath ♪
♪ We seek adventure and romance ♪
♪ I'm running out of underpants ♪
♪ There's ghosts who haunt the cave and worse ♪
♪ It's guarded by a pirate's curse ♪
♪ Arg Arg! Arg! Arg! ♪
♪ This is the ballad of Badbeard ♪
♪ Arg Arg! Arg! Arg! ♪
♪ This is the ballad of Badbeard ♪
Bad beards forever, dude.